I had an insight the other night. (Just before my period started, as usual.)
It had started coming to me earlier in the week, but I’d forgotten it after it had crossed my mind until a couple days later when it came back to me hard in the midst of a midnight chat with my Mom.
And it was so exciting to see!
The gist is this:
I am brainwashed and hung up on ‘helping’ and ‘fixing’ people. When all I REALLY want to do in my life is self-express.
|The freely self-expressed little girl...|
But from a very early age, I was bent toward care taking, helping, fixing other people. Mostly, I think this was due to my Mother who has never been very healthy or fended well for herself in life.
But it’s also been the expectations of my Grandmother and others in my family who appreciated a girl child who was ‘helpful’ and ‘caring’ and ‘did for others’.
And it’s not that I don’t enjoy doing that! Sometimes. I enjoy it sometimes.
It’s that it was entrained and built into / onto me as what I should do, as my primary value, and as the primary way I relate to people.