Showing posts with label Pattern Changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pattern Changes. Show all posts

June 15, 2013

No Pain = No Joy

Joyful.
This all seems like a big 'duh!' now that I've seen it, but that's often how it goes. It only seems obvious after seeing it. And we don't see it until we can see it.

I had a huge personal epiphany yesterday, and it explains so much of why I have a hard time getting joyful about the life experience. It's at least a significant part of why I experience an almost ever-present sense of ennui at some level.

History. 

You see, I survived some early trauma in my childhood by making a decision - albeit unconscious - to protect myself from that kind of pain in this life. The thing that happened caused me to feel just this side of obliterated. Overwhelming pain and confusion.

May 7, 2013

Sometimes you have to Pause. And Poise yourself for what's next.

I have this eerie feeling lately, and I can't shake it.

I have certainly been going through mounds of internal changes which are absolutely still integrating themselves through me, so maybe that's why.

But something that is present with me almost constantly lately is this awareness of how nothing about the way I've come to view myself, my life, or what I should or even could be doing with any of it is exactly right.

Something has so profoundly shifted somewhere that every exploratory step into the new seems tainted by old ideas. Even old, dependable things no longer seem quite right to me. And I find myself reaching for a new viewpoint where it can feel right and make felt-sense to me again.

It's a bit frustrating, since I can't quite find the shift I know is right... there ... just on the edge of my conscious understanding. But it's also exciting. I can feel the shifting even if I haven't quite fully arrived there will all my pieces and parts.

April 12, 2013

Self-Sabotage... Entering Negotiations!

Grand Prismatic Spring in Yellowstone National Park
Self-sabotage is a powerful force... and usually an unconscious one.

You don't feel it coming, except you see the evidence of wreckage in your life. You will see it by its fruits.

The inner Saboteurs residing in our subconscious psyche are always trying to keep us safe, so it's not like they are trying to hurt us.

They are generally trying to help save us from some horrid fate or, in my case, the threat of (perceived) death.  

But the reality is that we can outgrow the wisdom of our Saboteurs. We need different boundaries than the ones they are enforcing. 

Today, I had a "come to Jesus" moment with recognizing some powerful Saboteur energy running my life these days. 

April 8, 2013

Tired to the bone. (A massive shift.)

Geez I'm tired.

Do you know that kind of tired that comes when you've had plenty of sleep - technically - and you wake up tired? You nap if you can, but you stay tired. You're tired until it's time to go to bed again. And you wake up tired, and do it all over the next day.

I've been here before, and I recognize the location.

It's not depression, though there are emotional ebbs and flows. There are some very old emotional states coming back up as they are processing out.

I'm also sure it's not some sort of sudden physical malfunction.

It's just a shift. A shift in my patterns in a big way. It's been quite a whirlwind lately. Lots and lots of things are shifting and finding new levels lately, and some very deep and old things letting go.

I see the tracks of it in my thoughts, my sudden insights, my view of very old things rearranging itself. So much new space within showing up.

That's a lot of hustle and bustle going on at the subtle levels. A lot of heavy lifting at the less than fully conscious levels.

Everything looks different from here already. And this bit is not over yet.

March 18, 2013

Fail Spectacularly!

I'm considering a shift in my approach to living my life... something new to try, because my current approach is just not working at this point.

I'm blocked up, beset with fears, anxieties, etc. that just drain the life out of me sometimes and at other times just make is so hard to do that which I want to do.

A lot of those fears are about failure, and the ego hit of failing. The ego hit I give to myself.

Maybe you're something like me?

I was raised to be and have generally been a high achiever, and all that pressure at some point generates a tipping point. At least it has in me.

At some point, it can root itself as fear of failing, fear of making mistakes, fears of not measuring up to other people's (and my own now internalized) standards - inauthentic though they may be.

And that equals fear of risk, taking chances, stepping out of your lines and doing something new that you might, actually, fail at doing.

That has literally terrified me much of my life. And there's a profound deadness somewhere that comes from living that way.

But what would happen if, instead of trying something new with the trepidation that I might fail, I actually decide I'm going to throw myself into things and fail spectacularly?

February 5, 2012

Real Change Takes Real Guts

True, lasting change that goes against the mainstream is hard. The road is rocky and sometimes uncertain. It's lonely. The outcome is not guaranteed.

But when you commit strongly enough to follow through on a vision, you do it because you simply cannot stay where you are. There is nothing to do but move forward into the unknown, find your path, and walk it.

Fear, pain, and discomfort walk alongside for a while. It's just part of the process of breaking through into the new. Don't expect it to be any different.

Just prepare yourself for the challenges that will come, because it's a Hero's and Heroine's journey.

And, when Life calls you this way, know you are made for it.

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