I had a huge personal epiphany yesterday, and it explains so much of why I have a hard time getting joyful about the life experience. It's at least a significant part of why I experience an almost ever-present sense of ennui at some level.
You see, I survived some early trauma in my childhood by making a decision - albeit unconscious - to protect myself from that kind of pain in this life. The thing that happened caused me to feel just this side of obliterated. Overwhelming pain and confusion.