May 7, 2013
Sometimes you have to Pause. And Poise yourself for what's next.
I have certainly been going through mounds of internal changes which are absolutely still integrating themselves through me, so maybe that's why.
But something that is present with me almost constantly lately is this awareness of how nothing about the way I've come to view myself, my life, or what I should or even could be doing with any of it is exactly right.
Something has so profoundly shifted somewhere that every exploratory step into the new seems tainted by old ideas. Even old, dependable things no longer seem quite right to me. And I find myself reaching for a new viewpoint where it can feel right and make felt-sense to me again.
It's a bit frustrating, since I can't quite find the shift I know is right... there ... just on the edge of my conscious understanding. But it's also exciting. I can feel the shifting even if I haven't quite fully arrived there will all my pieces and parts.
My core philosophies seem intact. Perhaps I just haven't noticed their shifts yet.
But when I look to take some worldly, tactical action, there is a sense of off-ness about the way I am used to seeing, sensing, feeling, thinking about myself and about the world, or at least about my interaction with it.
There is this strong intuitive pressure to move beyond my ant trails of seeing myself, my reality and the world at large. Though I'm not sure how to do that except to pay attention to that off feeling and, instead of going with my usual perspective, leave space for something new to emerge.
For example, when I look at my talents and abilities, and I consider how I most want to use them in the world, there is a sense of something new wanting to be seen about that, and I have the distinct sense that I am still only seeing with something old, out-moded, too small, and essentially out of kilter.
It has not fully caught up with me, but there is something new being born. In the quiet. In the stillness. In the safe space that keeps itself hidden until its time is at hand.
These are shadowy markers of a new trail emerging.
More and more, I just feel like I have to suspend what I think I know or understand about everything - most especially about myself and how my world works. Possibility and the new is seemingly everywhere, waiting to come forward. I can certainly feel it, at least. Even if I can't quite see it or grasp it.
I'm curious where this awareness will go... where it will draw me and what new things will result. Curious and a bit scared, since I certainly have that "fear of the unknown" thing.
In my life, in many ways, I've been hovering on the edge of action. Some would look at this as some sort of waste. Even I look at it like that sometimes, in my darker moments.
But the truth is that so much has to happen before right action takes place. The waiting is part of that. And the waiting is not fallow time. Massive things happen in that gap in between action and next action.
When I finally get engaged into the next action part, perhaps the path I sense will be revealed.
I find I usually know deep within when something coming into my life is going to sweep me up in itself. And I notice I like to pause before it does. Or perhaps it's more that I have to pause before it does. Alignment occurs inside that pause. Alignment of so many things - most of which I cannot name, but, on good days, I can sense.
Perhaps instead of fighting myself in this moment and fighting the pause that's required, I can just admit the pause is what I, at a very deep level, need. I am paused as much as I am poised for that new thing emerging.
I will step onto that new path with my full self momentarily... and this is the moment just before that.
Writing about it is akin to simply savoring the flavor of it, and noticing where I am right now, because as soon as it starts, it feels like it will be very busy indeed.
Sending my love to you, dear reader, in this moment of space and connection,