April 6, 2014

Why I Withhold Myself, and What I'm Doing About It

Something happened today. (Sunday, when I'm writing this.)

I woke up in tears. And anguish.

That is pretty rare for me to wake up with that much emotional pain, and crying no less, but it comes on the heels of some intense energy work yesterday that cleared a long standing energy parasite (like, one that's been with this body from conception) from my energy field.

It was awful to feel so much grief twisting through me this morning upon awakening from sleep, but powerful.

It demanded action. That's a good thing. It leads to release and resolution.

Intuitively, I believe I was finally feeling the things that the parasite was keeping hidden from my conscious awareness so it could keep it and feed from it. Things were erupting because they needed my attention to move through and awaken me along the way.

While the grief I was feeling was undoubtedly about many things, it focused consciously on 3 people I have in my life with whom there is a running thread of issues in the relationship. Issues I've been silent about. Accommodating about. Understanding about.

I've been holding the burden back from them and taking it upon myself to manage. 

Because I didn't believe they could do anything about it, why burden them with what's not working for me in the connection?

Wrong. Oh so fucking wrong.

November 7, 2013

The Only Thing That Matters (Back Then, Right Now, and In the End)

I'm beginning to understand why people say that in the end, and underneath everything, the only thing - the ONLY thing - that matters is Love. The love you feel, the love you share, the love you sow, the love you express, the love vibration you *are* into the world.

The doing thing does itself. It's the being thing that only we, each of us, can bring uniquely to the table of Life. The being thing is the only reason we are here. And Love is the only valid aspect of Being. It's the only True Thing, in The Land of the Truest Things.

All else is a kaleidoscope from it -- yes, even apparent states of non-Love only exist because the Love that runs through everything, that we are, creates that option.


Not the human aspects of Love exclusively, but the generative aspects of Love being ALL THERE ACTUALLY IS.

Yes. Love is the only thing that matters in the end -- both the human aspects of it and the more cosmic, generation and sustenance aspects of it as a vibration which springs forth and maintains the Everything.

And you ARE that Love.

Less Doing (and worry about Doing). More Being. More Being Love.

August 6, 2013

When I Forget I Am {AWESOME}

You know those moments. When you get upset by some sh... stuff going on in your life, and it feels scary and overwhelming. You disintegrate. It triggers someplace inside that flips you into disempowerment mode.

You totally forget whatever good things you felt and knew about yourself at some (now distant feeling) time in the past, because you sure don't feel that way right now. 

Right? I mean, that happens to you, too... right?! ;-)

So what happens when that happens?

How do you flip out of that?

How do you degauss yourself, set your feathers back to unruffled status, pull your pieces back together into some semblance of wholeness, and move forward?

August 4, 2013

Stuck in "Good Girl" Fixing and Helping Mode

I had an insight the other night. (Just before my period started, as usual.)

It had started coming to me earlier in the week, but I’d forgotten it after it had crossed my mind until a couple days later when it came back to me hard in the midst of a midnight chat with my Mom.

And it was so exciting to see!

The gist is this:

I am brainwashed and hung up on ‘helping’ and ‘fixing’ people. When all I REALLY want to do in my life is self-express. 

The freely self-expressed little girl... 
But from a very early age, I was bent toward care taking, helping, fixing other people. Mostly, I think this was due to my Mother who has never been very healthy or fended well for herself in life. 

But it’s also been the expectations of my Grandmother and others in my family who appreciated a girl child who was ‘helpful’ and ‘caring’ and ‘did for others’. 

And it’s not that I don’t enjoy doing that! Sometimes. I enjoy it sometimes.

It’s that it was entrained and built into / onto me as what I should do, as my primary value, and as the primary way I relate to people. 


June 15, 2013

No Pain = No Joy

This all seems like a big 'duh!' now that I've seen it, but that's often how it goes. It only seems obvious after seeing it. And we don't see it until we can see it.

I had a huge personal epiphany yesterday, and it explains so much of why I have a hard time getting joyful about the life experience. It's at least a significant part of why I experience an almost ever-present sense of ennui at some level.


You see, I survived some early trauma in my childhood by making a decision - albeit unconscious - to protect myself from that kind of pain in this life. The thing that happened caused me to feel just this side of obliterated. Overwhelming pain and confusion.


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