What Makes You Thrive in Life?

Many things have been rearranging themselves within me, but as that shuffling goes on, I am down to one of the bare bones things that I don't quite yet know how to deal with...

I've never liked/loved Life. It's always been a struggle for me to appreciate it. This world is full of things I don't understand that seem so -damn- hard. 

Sure, I have spiritual reasons for being here. Fine. But I don't have personal, human reasons for loving this life. 

Here's the thing... I don't want to not live. It's not even that I can't find things to enjoy in this life.

It's more that I cannot find my own compelling reasons for really engaging with Life in a way that thrills me, that's joyful. Some reason or viewpoint that causes me to feel pulled forward into life in a way that isn't just about surviving it but about truly thriving in it. Something that would finally make me love it. 

Sometimes you have to Pause. And Poise yourself for what's next.

I have this eerie feeling lately, and I can't shake it.

I have certainly been going through mounds of internal changes which are absolutely still integrating themselves through me, so maybe that's why.

But something that is present with me almost constantly lately is this awareness of how nothing about the way I've come to view myself, my life, or what I should or even could be doing with any of it is exactly right.

Something has so profoundly shifted somewhere that every exploratory step into the new seems tainted by old ideas. Even old, dependable things no longer seem quite right to me. And I find myself reaching for a new viewpoint where it can feel right and make felt-sense to me again.

It's a bit frustrating, since I can't quite find the shift I know is right... there ... just on the edge of my conscious understanding. But it's also exciting. I can feel the shifting even if I haven't quite fully arrived there will all my pieces and parts.

You're Here On Purpose. (And you can't screw it up.)

You. Me. Everyone and everything... here on purpose. 

That's what I've felt and believed ever since I can remember.

I hear people talk about how you can be "off" purpose or that somehow you can do your life wrong.

And every time I hear it, I know it's not true.

I don't know how I know it. But I know it.

And it's not that I never spin out with worry about whether I'm doing my life "right"... the mind generates worry, and I can be a worrier.

It's that I always come back to that deep touchstone inside that just KNOWS I cannot mess this up, even if my mind likes to spin scary stories.